I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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