I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
