I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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