He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You were trust falling into bushes
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
