I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
