Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
