Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
