just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Randomize
