She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
