I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize