His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
