You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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