Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
