I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
