So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
