Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
