He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
