I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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