I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
