There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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