You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
