I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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