Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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