party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
