I want you more than these girls want KFC
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
