I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Randomize
