my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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