she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
