Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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