I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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