I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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