Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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