her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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