It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
