It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I got her a Nickelback box set.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
