I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize