We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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