i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize