My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
