Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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