I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
where are you?
Hypothermia
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
