He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
