When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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