at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize