the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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