Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
