In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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