I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Mom said you looked used
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
