I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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