Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It's shark week go big or go home
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
