the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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