If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
