I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I wish there were birth control emojis
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
