3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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