and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
