I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
