I faked an abortion last night.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
