I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
