i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
