i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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