i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
