I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
