Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
