I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
